When Meditation Isn’t Enough; The PTSD Battle - Part 1
by Wesley Birch
I woke up at 5:45 with no alarm, feeling relieved to be awake. My body spent the last 8 hours sleeping, but my mind spent the last 8 hours running for its life. Night terrors are a phenomenon that I am, unfortunately, all too familiar with. The setting is always different, but the concept is usually the same; someone is chasing me and actively trying to shoot me. This time I got to spend my time running for my life outside in the woods; at least I got to spend time in the woods, an activity that I enjoy; too bad the hiking was spoiled by the two men running after me and actively trying to shoot me. This one bothered me more than most of my night terrors because my daughter was with me in this one. I try to shake it from my head. Bre will be waking up in 15 minutes, and the girls are still asleep.
I sit down on my meditation pillow, knowing full well that meditation alone is not going to calm my mind this morning. When the mind is reliving a traumatic experience, or living through a perceived trauma (like a night terror) the region of the brain associated with time keeping goes offline; past, present, and future all blending together, confusing the brain into believing that the trauma is happening now. Logically, I know that the night terror is over and that I am safe, but my brain continues to pump these fight-or-flight chemicals down my spinal cord and into my body. My brain is in overdrive, conjuring up all sorts of images. After a night terror, my brain loves reminding me of the time a drunken man held a gun up under my chin and threatened to blow my brains out… Is this happening now, or was this in the past? My eyes drift open, and I see that it’s dark and I’m sitting in my bedroom; I am able to concur that this is not happening now.
Most people would be terrified of the thought of death and dying, but not me; my mother cured me of the fear of death at an early age. She cured me of this by instilling in me a fear of something much worse: eternal damnation of the soul. My mother used to look me dead in the eye with the most intense look, and through bared teeth, she would tell me, “Do you want to burn for eternity in the lake of fire where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth?”, A constant daily reminder that physical death is the least of my worries when my soul could be tortured for always and eternity. Is this happening now? My eyes drift open again, still in the darkness of my bedroom, I can again concur that this is NOT happening now. I have to get my brain’s time keeper back online. Fortunately, I have done enough research and know exactly how to do this; through EMDR.
EMDR stand for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming, and thankfully this helpful tool is free, and extremely simple. I hold my finger out in front of my face and focus on it, I then move my finger back and forth (almost like a field sobriety test, when an officer asks you to watch the pen with both eyes as he moves it left and right). Left, right, left, right, left, right… My brain starts to calm down because of the constant bilateral stimulation. I feel the time-keeper waking up and I start to recognize past, present, and future. “I am sitting here in my room now. My mother is not here. My God loves me and would never want me to burn for all of eternity. No one is holding a gun under my chin. My wife is sleeping peacefully. My kids are safe in the other room. No one is actively trying to kill me. I am thankful to be here.” Tears come to my eyes as I sit there, thankful for the tools to be able to pull myself out of yet another PTSD episode… I sit in silence again. On the surface level of consciousness, I see and feel choppy waters; on a deeper level of consciousness I feel peace and an awareness that these choppy waters will soon calm down.
I think back on my past and feel an immense wave of empathy for my past self; that poor kid that had no tools to deal with any of this; that poor kid that would sit there and wallow in his own self-pity and crave for the grave. My time keeper is back online though, and I know that that poor kid lives in the past. That sheep of a kid has been put to sleep and the lion has been awoken. I have the power to change my thinking, I have the power to heal my brain, and I have the power to live; all through the mercy and love of the Most High. I am here now, alive and well, and loved by many.
“Lord, may trauma no longer be a normal occurrence in this world, but instead make Love normal, make peace normal, make joy normal, make patience normal, make kindness normal, make gentleness normal, and make self-control normal. May you cultivate in us pure hearts so that we may produce sweet fruits grown in the light of You.”
If any of this sounds familiar to you, and you would like more information on dealing with PTSD, C-PTSD (complex-post-traumatic-stress-dissorder), or trauma in general, I would HIGHLY recommend the book, “The Body Keeps the Score” by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. He goes into wonderful detail on what PTSD is, why PTSD shows up, and multiple exercises on how to overcome PTSD and trauma in the body.
Check in tomorrow for Part 2.
One Love,
Wesley.
