A meditation: Fentanyl
I woke up today at 6:00, with no alarm, feeling rested and ready to go for the day. I laid there for a few minutes, replaying a scene in my head from last night; it’s not important; a thing of the past. My mind knows this, yet it can’t stop playing the scene in my head. Bre’s alarm clock goes off at 6:09, and I roll over and greet her day with a kiss. Our two kids are fast asleep in their rooms down the hall. How did I get so lucky to have such a loving and supportive wife and kids at the ripe age of 31? It doesn’t matter why, what matters are the attitude and heart that I have towards them. I sit there feeling immense gratitude for them.
I met a lady yesterday who had a daughter named Sarah living on the streets as a Fentanyl addict. (Is that too heavy to start the paragraph off with?) She started off as a Heroin addict and switched to Fentanyl as it grew to be cheaper, more addictive, and easier to access. Will she die in the streets like the Thousands of poor souls that lose their lives to addiction, or will she pull herself out and come running home to mama? As heavy as this conversation and interaction was yesterday, it was not the scene that kept playing through my head.
The scene that ran through my head was a trivial argument that happened because a basketball player was upset that he had to leave the gym to make room for the regularly scheduled volleyball that takes place there every week; trivial matters, but he was visually and verbally upset with ME, so my brain decides to put this interaction at the top of my awareness as opposed to the heavy, emotion-filled news of that poor gal living on the streets. I suppose this is a form of self preservation; the Fentanyl addict doesn’t threaten me, whereas an angry young hooper could be viewed as threatening.
As I sit down for my morning meditation, my brain easily lets go of this angry young hooper, and I was able to direct my attention and awareness to my breathing, in… out… in… out… in… Fentanyl… out… Sarah… in… poor kid… out… pain… in… suffering… out… addiction… in… helplessness… out… Rock bottom… in… mercy… out… compassion… in… peace… out… love… in…. As I sit there, I direct my awareness inward, deeper still… deeper still. My eyes have read stories of spiritual leaders who can enter a state of Samadhi, and bring about real healing and intervention to real people in the world, all while sitting in a state of calm serenity. I allow my awareness to go deeper still, and gently call out with my energy, “Sarah.” … I feel her presence and the arms of awareness wrap around her. Sitting with her, words start to drift into awareness. “Sarah, your family loves you more than the Heroine loves you. Sarah, your family loves you more than the Fentanyl loves you. Arise daughter, become who you are, for you are loved. The chains of addiction are merely an illusion and hold no real power over you. Look at the family that you run from. You point fingers at them and blame them for the pain and suffering that you have underwent, but, let I remove the film of ego from the eyes and may you see your family as ‘I Am’ sees them: your mother is simply another broken daughter like yourself with nothing but love in her heart for you; your brothers and father are simply broken sons doing their best to put the pieces of their soul together and continue on their journey… Look at all of their imperfection, Sarah, and see the beauty of perfection inside of it. Look again at this family that you run from, and see how fond ‘I Am’ of them. Arise daughter of Zion and be free.”
Awareness shifts to the heroine and words come, “Thank you, Heroine, for getting Sarah through the tough times that she couldn’t get through alone, may you be a stepping stone that is no longer needed. You have been released of duty.”
Awareness shifts to the Fentanyl and words come, “Thank you, Fentanyl, for getting Sarah through the tough times that she couldn’t get through alone, may you be a stepping stone that is no longer needed. You have been released of duty.”
Awareness back to the breath… out… in… out… in… out… in… out… hands move to a posture of gratitude as our conscious awareness comes out of the depths of the soul; feeling free and clean. Eyes open, and the head bows slightly. “Thank You.”
Did something “real” just happen? Has healing happened? Has Sarah found her peace? As a man of faith, these questions seem to be an illusion… a trick of the mind, for they do not matter. What matters is how we choose to walk forward. Do we walk forward with fear in our hearts or with faith that God truly loves I, and has gifted I and I with eternal life that starts right here, and right now… always.
